Alexius’ childhood [rough draft]

Updated September 12, 2022

During childhood, we learn to alter our emotions, thus being the nice kid who never say or do anything that will make our parents unconfortable. Read more about pleasing your parents here. But everything comes in pairs in a world of duality. Therefore, since feelings never show up in a specific but dualistic way, you mess up duality by suppressing the unpleasant ones. This makes you feel disconnected, whereas going with the twofoldness of emotions, love and hate for example, makes you feel connected. Photo © Alexius Jorgensen.

This article is a continuation of ‘What if…?’ versus ‘it is what it is’. Hence it is about the perception ‘it is what it is,’ which reveals that every experience is dual. This is is so entertaining that, eventuality, you forget about duality.

Our present perception of ourselves and others is often based on one we made in the past. In the case of Alexius, in his childhood, he interpreted lots of experiences in a way that scared him. He projected it onto something outside of himself that he judged as horrible to get rid of his fear.

Later, this method became his way of disassociating himself from his unpleasant feelings. Besides making him feel better, deciding what was wrong in the world made him feel like he was on top of it. Especially because he also got rid of his affectionate feelings in the same manner. In this case, though, he projected them onto something he decided to see as wonderful.

That seemed to work great, except when Alexius felt so bothered by something that his suppressed fear flared out in verbal attacks on others. Although his emotional explosion was not physically violent, his outbursts seemed as wild as when his father in Alexius’ childhood hit him across the dinner table or wherever he lost his temper. Since Alexius assumed this happened because he was unlovable, his original devotion and admiration for his father turned into hatred and disgust, which Alexius justified by constantly finding flaws in his father.

But since doing so, psychological speaking was an attack on his father, Alexius felt ashamed he was just as hostile as his father. Thus, he hid his hostility from his awareness by projecting it onto his stomach. And then, he unconsciously tightened the shoulders to hinder the breath from fully extracting, thus blocking the free flow of info from the body to the brain. Hence he could interpret the body’s signals as attacks on himself, justifying his grievances.

Another reason for distancing himself from his aggression was that if Alexius had stood by it, he might have hit his father, that was all his father needed to burst out in a rage so violent that it could have been the end of Alexius. Therefore, the only defence Alexius had was silence. On top of that, Alexius tried to look like a victim by getting moody and sick to make his father feel guilty for how he treated him (read more about making others feel guilty here).

However, this did not seem to work on his father – only on Alexius because he unconsciously knew they were the same. They both used each other as a scapegoat for their inner demon. In Alexius’ case, he first tried to hide it from his awareness by projecting it onto the darkness of the body, and when the suppressed energy exploded, he projected the unpleasantness onto his father. Since this is the most common way to get rid of psychological feelings, his father probably did it the same way. But this Alexius cannot know.

In 1972 Alexius returned from the Enlightenment of that which is One as nobody. Hence he could only remain in a world where there seems to be more than one by pretending to be somebody. This also applies to the years before the Enlightenment because we are nothing pretending to be something separated from something else. But since he was not aware of that before he bid welcome the Enlightenment of that which is One, this article is based on his memories of believing to be somebody instead of pretending it. But as you can read in the article, as a child, he already began to grasp that everything is pretence. Read more about pretending in HACK #1, Pretending to be someone definitive is liberation. Be aware that this story of Alexius’ childhood in is a compressed version. So if progress seems quick, it is not so. However, after having bid welcome the Enlightenment of that which is One, it was effortless. This is a photo, restored digitally, from the beginning of Alexius’ story. Photo © Alexius Jorgensen.

Nor can he know if his description of his childhood is correct because it is done in retrospect. Besides, he is neither a physician nor a psychologist.* However, it seems he used the physical problems that arose from his congenital disability in the vertebrae to disguise his aggression and the events that appeared to have caused it in his childhood.

Since the malfunctioning vertebra pressed on a nerve going to the stomach, it was easy for him to use his bloated stomach as a hiding place for the shame he felt for being exploited by his mother. She used Alexius when he was petite and adorable as an object to give her the bodily affection his father could not provide her. Due to Alexius’ bloated stomach, the diaphragm hardened. And since it is the primary mover of the breath, his chest turned to stone. Thus it seemed the obvious place to hide his naivety and devotion, so his natural generosity would not cause him to be preyed on in the future.

Alexius grew up in a war zone, in the sense that his father suddenly hit him. His mother did nothing to stop it, so he felt terrified and completely alone. In an attempt to disassociate himself from the feelings of horror, Alexius decided to see his father as evil and himself as good. By disassociating himself from being evil, he also separated himself from being lovely because that is defined by evil. Thus he looked for something beautiful outside of himself. But that was difficult. Mostly he judged what he saw as horrible. Alexius finally realised that the reason for this was the suppressed darkness inside himself. Fortunately, not suppressing it revealed there was also lightness because light and darkness are like two sides of the same coin in a world of duality. This polarity, and those that naturally followed, made him feel complete. Hence there was no fear of feeling evil and thus no need to hide it by perceiving the world as horrible. Consequently, the apparent difference between himself and the world he used to judge as either horrific or beautiful stopped making a difference. Maybe that is why he writes Alexius’ Duality Hacks. He does not know. Photo © Alexius Jorgensen.

However, since Alexius did not feel cherished with his compassion locked down, he concluded others would only love him if he gave them what they wanted. This seemed to be an unsolvable dilemma, so instead of saying no to others, Alexius walked away, closing down his gift of empathy. But that was probably for the best for a kid because otherwise, others would have exploited him entirely.

But let us delve further into Alexius’ relationship with his father, who he perceived as the devil responsible for the evil he experienced in himself. Since Alexius did not want to realise it was his own shit he saw in his father, he hid his inner demon in the neck that had collapsed due to the malfunctioning vertebra.

Therefore, since the beast inside had been blocked from his awareness, he could hold onto a mental concept of himself as guiltless. He did not choose that because he could not embrace his darkness, but because Alexius thought he had to be above reproach to be loved by his parents. But as his parents only loved the image he had made, he felt lonely and complained about not being seen.

He repressed he had chosen to hide behind a false front of being lovesome by hiding what he assumed unlovable in problematic areas of his body. So when hatred popped, he interpreted the disturbance as a physical issue in the part of the body where he initially imagined hiding his hate. Therefore, since the resulting psychosomatic disorders became an unsolvable mystery, the helpless little boy full of sorrow, rage and fear remained hidden in the darkness of Alexius’ body. In hack #4.3 The toxic mix of physical and non-physical issues, you can read more about using the body as a means to hide your feelings from your awareness.

You cannot appear in the world without pretending to be a person there. But the more you add to this pretending, the more you end up believing that you are what you pretend to be instead of that which is real. It happens to all of us. In the case of Alexius, it started when he was about six years old. Undoing it began 15 years later when he stepped aside to bid welcome the Enlightenment of that which is One.

When you do not try to hide sexual lust, grievances, envy, anger, negativity or whatever you consider politically incorrect, your thoughts and feelings regarding this are revealed to come in pairs. Negative thoughts, for example, come paired with positive ones. You already know this because again and again, one part of you senses something as good and right away, another part sees it as bad. If you do not try to decide between them but join their interplay, you feel as entertained by this polarity as any other. The more you experience everything in pairs, the less dangerous it is to be angry. Actually, you feel relieved because it is complemented with calmness. Photo © Alexius Jorgensen.

But after he became one who is to be compared to the Enlightenment of that which is One about 50 years ago (see hack #6.1 The Enlightenment of that which is One), his single-minded perception of being either horrible or wonderful was revealed as two-fold. Out of the inner unpleasantness came pleasantness and vice versa. He did not hold onto the specific feelings in this polarity but their interplay. It made him feel complete and not fragmented, like when he insisted on dividing a duality pair into separated elements

The higher you aim, the lower you must prepare to go because, in a world of duality, everything comes in pairs of opposing elements.

Going with the constant interaction of opposites, which 50 years later was entitled the duality flow, he had no singular feelings to hide. Thus there was no basis for concealing psychological problems in his body anymore. Therefore, since his psychosomatic disorders were reduced to physical issues, they could be fixed physically. Maybe not entirely, but at least to the extent that the experience of being someone inside a body became more comfortable. Read more about that in Sadness is a close friend of gladness.

Nevertheless, out of habit, his old single-minded point of view is often the first choice when he is confronted with something new. But right away, he remembers that everything comes in pairs of opposing elements that define each other in a world of duality. Then, as from an invisible crack in his conditioned feeling of disgust, a sense of delight unfolds.

He may not notice that the interaction of this polarity soon fades out because it sets off the experience of other duality pairs, for example, humility and boldness, serenity and lust, calmness and confusion, union and separation, and so on. This is so satisfactory that he does not sense when the interplay of one polarity is over, and another sets off. The beginning and end are another interaction of opposites that makes him feel complete.

Not trying to control the future, thoughts become unimportant. Hence they turn into insignificant noise in the background. Read more about that here.

Alexius is taking a break in the primordial forest of La Gomera. He does not label his dualistic reaction to this. Being someone somewhere is enough to feel the togetherness of twofoldness, thus going with the duality flow and having glimpses of the Enlightenment of that which is One. Photo © Alexius Jorgensen.

Nor does Alexius usually remember the names of opposing elements in the duality pairs he encounters. Going with the interaction of opposites, duality does not have to be labelled (read more about that here) – like one does not need to label the sides of a coin to sense its twofoldness. Thus thoughts are reduced to insignificant jabber in the background. See also Happiness comes from not interfering with thoughts and emotions, whereas sadness comes from trying to do that.

In a world of duality, a holistic experience is not singular but dualistic. In non-duality there is no wholemness to experience, as it takes more than one to be aware of something.

In other words, even though the experience of duality is imaginary (read more about that here), within the apparent reality of it, you feel incomplete if you separate the opposing elements making up the duality pairs. And you feel complete when you go with their interaction – just like the interplay of breathing in and out makes you fulfilled. That is, if you do not try to break off this flow of duality by dividing the breath into specific sections via yoga exercises, for example.

You do not have to be someone who is to be compared to the Enlightenment of that which is One to feel completed by dualism. All you need is to perceive your specific opinion of something as ‘it is what it is.’ This reveals it is twofold – for example happy/sad or angry/calm – wherefore you get the satisfaction of duality. We explore this in the following article, The togetherness of twofoldness undoes the separateness of specialness. This article ends with the below note about the Enlightenment of that which is One.

This is a simulation Alexius painted on his iPhone of the moment where the Enlightenment of that which is One is experienced to break out of a black hole, whereafter all experiences, including what you believed in being, is erased. Hence there is nobody to know that nothing falls through a black hole into everything. Read more about that here. Photo © Alexius Jorgensen.

Bidding welcome the Enlightenment of that which is One is a bit like getting to the point of orgasm. Nothing else matters. But whereas an orgasm is driven by the desire for something, the absence of it is the propellant of the Enlightenment of that which is One.

This does not mean, you must become purer by avoiding sex or anything else, nor do you have to be harmonious, physically fit or breathe in a special way. All that is needed is to forget what and where you are because the Enlightenment of that which is One does not know of anything definable.

For the same reason, the Enlightenment of that which is One has not changed what you appear to be if you return to the fantasy of being in a world where there seems to be more than one. In the case of Alexius, for example, his psychosomatic disorders were unaltered.

But since he keeps getting glimpses of the Enlightenment of that which is One, he is always reminded, that he is not in a world where there seems to be more than one. Thus he feels like being in a roleplay, where one act out a role in a story governed by the gamemaste, which, in the case of a world where there seems to be more than one, is not somebody outside but inside of him, namely the brain.

Playing the brain’s game, the perception ‘it is what it is’ comes naturally. Therefore, since your interpretation of past events lose their specific meaning, there is not something definitive to maintain psychosomatic disorders – or to make one feel stuck in in the plot the combo made of fusing physical and non-physical issues.

See hack #4.1 The basic self versus the special one about the brain’s script and hack #4.3 The toxic mix of physical and non-physical issues about the unfortunate belief in a connection between the body and mental issues. Check HACK #6, Inner senses, enlightenment and glimpses of it about the Enlightenment of that which is One or glimpses of it. The latter is experienced in a world of duality, whereas there is nobody to experience the former since that requires more than one. Therefore, there is no magic or anything else to experience in the Enlightenment of that which is One – only in the glimpses of it.

To be continued in You must play the game of duality to have it undone.

*) Alexius has never talked with his parents about this. He left home for good one night when his parents were not there. First, he moved into a hippie commune and then into an old wooden house next to a gipsy camp, where he lived until he became a monk a few years later. Read a resumé of his physical life here. He has no education, by the way.

NOTE: This article is part of hack #4.4 The duality flow goes to non-duality.