Alexius’ childhood [draft]

Updated January 21, 2023

During childhood, we learn to alter our emotions to appear as a nice kid who never say or do anything that makes our parents unconfortable. Read more about pleasing your parents here. But everything comes in pairs in a world of duality, so you you feel disconnected if you suppress hate, for example, to look lovable. On the other hand, you feel connected if not perceiving the elements of a duality pair as distinctive feelings of love and hate, but go with their interaction. Photo © Alexius Jorgensen.

This article is a continuation of ‘What if…?’ versus ‘it is what it is’ about the perception ‘it is what it is,’  revealing every experience is dual. Adjusting to twofoldness, you feel so complete in a world of duality that you eventually forget to remember being someone.

Our present perception of ourselves and others is often based on one we made in the past. Alexius interpreted many experiences in his childhood as scary. He blamed something outside him, judged as horrible, for having caused the horror he felt, thus disassociating himself from it. Therefore, since he could hide behind an image of innocence, he felt on top of it. Especially because he also got rid of his affectionate feelings in the same manner. In this case, he projected them onto something he decided to see as wonderful. In other words, he divided the world into something that he saw either as horrible or wonderful.

That seemed to work great until Alexius got older and sometimes felt so bothered by something deemed horrible that his suppressed fear flared out in verbal attacks on others. Although there was no physical violence, his outbursts seemed as wild as when his father lost his temper and hit him across the dinner table, for example. Alexius felt ashamed seeing himself as hostile as his father, so he hid his hostility from his awareness by projecting it onto his stomach. Actually, he learned to do that as a child because if he had not disassociated himself from his hatred, he might have hit his dad. And that was all his father needed to burst out in a rage so violent that it could have been the end of Alexius.

So instead, Alexius tried to hurt his father through silence, which seemed efficient. On top of that, Alexius tried to look injured and sick to make his father feel guilty for being so violent (read more about making others feel guilty here), but that did not work on his father – only on Alexius because he unconsciously knew they were the same. After all, they used each other as a scapegoat for their inner demons. If his father was aware of that, Alexius does not know.

In 1972 Alexius returned from the Enlightenment of that which is One as nobody. Hence he could only remain in a world where there seems to be more than one by pretending to be somebody. Actually, that also applies to the years before the Enlightenment because we are nothing pretending to be something. But since he was not aware of that before he bid welcome the Enlightenment of that which is One, this article is based on his memories of believing to be somebody instead of pretending it. But already, as a child, he began to grasp that everything is pretence. Read more about pretending in HACK #1, Pretending to be someone definitive is liberation. Be aware that the story of Alexius’ childhood is a compressed version. So if his progress seems quick, it is not so. However, it was effortless after having bid welcome the Enlightenment of that which is One. The photo of Alexius’ is restored digitally. Photo © Alexius Jorgensen.

Nor does he know if his description of his childhood is correct because it is done in retrospect.* Besides, he is neither a physician nor a psychologist. However, it seems he used the physical problems that arose from his congenital disability in the vertebrae to disguise his reactions of fear, aggression and shame to events in his childhood.

One of these physical problems was that the malfunctioning vertebra disturbed a nerve in the stomach, so it became bloated. Thus it was easy for Alexius to imagine hiding the shame he felt when he, petite and adorable, was exploited by his mother to get her the bodily affection her husband could not provide. However, due to Alexius’ bloated stomach, the diaphragm hardened. And since it is the primary mover of the breath, his chest turned to stone. Thus it seemed the perfect place to hide his naivety and natural generosity, so his empathy would not cause him to be preyed on in the future. Much later in life, his compassion returned.

Alexius grew up in a war zone in the sense that he never knew when and where his father would hit him again. Since his mother did nothing to stop it, he felt terrified and completely alone. To disassociate himself from the evil he felt, Alexius decided to see his father as cruel and himself as good. But by disassociating viciousness from himself, he also separated himself from gentleness because it is defined by viciousness. Thus he always searched for something gentle outside himself. But it was difficult to find because he saw viciousness everywhere. Finally, Alexius realised that the reason for this was his suppressed darkness. Fortunately, not hiding it revealed there was also lightness because light and darkness are like two sides of the same coin in a world of duality. This polarity, and those that naturally followed, made him feel complete. Hence there was no fear of feeling evil and thus no need to hide it by perceiving the world as vicious. Consequently, the apparent difference between himself and the world stopped making a difference. Maybe that is why  Alexius is a non-teacher as well, as a non-student of Alexius’ Enlightened Non-Teachings Photo © Alexius Jorgensen.

But that is another story, so we go on with Alexius and his father, who he perceived as the devil responsible for the evil he experienced in himself. Since Alexius did not want to realise it was his own shit he saw in his father, he hid his inner demon in the neck, weakened by the malfunctioning vertebra. He also hid it because he thought he had to be above reproach to be loved by his parents. However, since his parents only loved the image he had made, he felt lonely and complained about not being seen.

He repressed he had chosen to hide behind a false front of being loveable by projecting his flaws onto problematic areas of his body. So when hatred popped up, he interpreted the disturbance as a physical issue in the part of the body where he initially imagined dumping his hate. Therefore, since the resulting psychosomatic disorders became an unsolvable mystery, the helpless little boy, full of sorrow, rage and fear, remained hidden from Alexius’ awareness. In hack #4.3 The fake mix of physical and non-physical issues, you can read more about using the body to hide your feelings from your awareness.

When you do not try to hide sexual lust, grievances, envy, anger, negativity or whatever you consider politically incorrect, your thoughts and feelings about something are revealed in pairs. Negative thoughts, for example, come paired with positive ones. You already know this because when one part of you senses something as good, immediately another part sees it as bad. If you do not try to decide between them but join their interplay, you feel as entertained by this polarity as any other. The more you experience everything in pairs, the less dangerous it is to be angry. Actually, you feel relieved because it is complemented by calmness. Photo © Alexius Jorgensen.

But after he became someone who is to be compared to the Enlightenment of that which is One when he was about 20 years old (see hack #6.1 The Enlightenment of that which is One), his two distinctive perceptions of the world as horrible or wonderful were revealed not too be separated but coupled as a duality pair. Therefore, out of his unpleasantness came pleasantness and vice versa. He did not hold onto one of the feelings in this polarity but enjoyed their interplay. It made him feel complete and not fragmented, like when he insisted on dividing horrible and wonderful into separated elements

The higher you aim, the lower you must prepare to go because everything comes in pairs of opposing elements in a world of duality, .

Going with the constant interaction of opposites, which 50 years later he named the duality flow, he had no singular feelings to hide. Hence there was no basis for concealing psychological problems in his body. Therefore, since his psychosomatic disorders were reduced to physical issues, they could be fixed physically. However, congenital disabilities were not completely sorted. He still has fallen arches, for example. Yet, everything has been solved to the extent that the experience of being someone inside a body has become more comfortable. Read more about that in Sadness is a close friend of gladness.

Nevertheless, out of habit, an old single-minded point of view is often Alexius’ first choice when confronted with something new. But fortunately, he soon remembers that everything comes in pairs of opposing elements to define each other in a world of duality. So then, as from an invisible crack in his conditioned feeling of disgust, a sense of delight unfolds.

He may not notice that the interaction of this polarity soon fades out because it sets off the experience of other duality pairs, for example, humility and boldness, serenity and lust, calmness and confusion, union and separation, etc. That is so gratifying that he does not sense when the interplay of one polarity is over and another sets off. The beginning and end are another interaction of opposites that makes him feel adequate.

Not trying to control the future, thoughts become unimportant. Hence they turn into insignificant noise in the background. Read more about that here.

When Alexius takes a break in the primordial forest of La Gomera, he does not label his dualistic reaction to this. Being someone somewhere is enough to feel the togetherness of twofoldness, thus going with the duality flow and having glimpses of the Enlightenment of that which is One. Photo © Alexius Jorgensen.

But usually, Alexius does not remember the names of the opposing elements in the duality pairs he encounters. Going with the interaction of opposites, duality does not have to be labelled – like one does not need to label the sides of a coin to sense its twofoldness. Thus thoughts are reduced to insignificant jabber in the background.

In a world of duality, a holistic experience is not singular but dualistic. In non-duality there is no wholeness to experience, as it takes more than one to be aware of something.

In other words, even though the experience of duality is imaginary (read more about that here), within its apparent reality, you feel incomplete when you separate the elements in the duality pairs into distinct ones. But you feel complete going with their interaction – like the interplay of breathing in and out makes you fulfilled.

You do not have to be someone who is to be compared to the Enlightenment of that which is One to feel completed by twofoldness. All you need is to perceive your specific opinion of something as ‘it is what it is.’ That reveals it is twofold – for example, happy/sad or angry/calm – wherefore you get the satisfaction of duality. We explore that in the following article, You must play the game of duality to hack it. This article ends with the below appendix.

This is a simulation Alexius has painted on his iPhone of the moment where the Enlightenment of that which is One break out of a black hole to wipe out all experiences, including what you believe in being, is terminated. Hence there is nobody to know that nothing falls through a black hole into everything. Read more about that here. Photo © Alexius Jorgensen.

Bidding welcome the Enlightenment of that which is One is a bit like getting to the point of orgasm. Nothing else matters. But whereas an orgasm is driven by the desire for something, the absence of something is the propellant of the Enlightenment of that which is One.

That does not mean you must become purer by avoiding sex or something else, nor do you have to be harmonious, physically fit or breathe in a special way. All that is needed is to forget what and where you are because the Enlightenment of that which is One does not know of anything definable.

For the same reason, the Enlightenment of that which is One has not changed what you appear to be if you return to the fantasy of a world where there seems to be more than one. But since he keeps getting glimpses of the Enlightenment of that which is One, he is always reminded that he is not in a world where there seems to be more than one. Thus he feels like in a roleplay, where one acts out a role in a story governed by the gamemaster, which, in the case of a world where there seems to be more than one, is not somebody else but one’s brain.

Playing the brain’s game, the perception ‘it is what it is’ comes naturally. Therefore, since your interpretation of past events loses their specific meaning, there is not something definitive to maintain psychosomatic disorders – or to make one feel stuck in the plot that the imaginary combo of physical and non-physical issues.

See hack #4.2 The brain’s script and how to perceive it to feel happy about the brain’s script, and hack #4.3 The fake mix of physical and non-physical issues about the unfortunate belief in a connection between the body and mental issues. Check HACK #6, Inner senses, Enlightenment and glimpses of it about the Enlightenment of that which is One or glimpses of it. The latter is experienced in a world of duality, whereas there is nobody to experience the former since it requires more than one. Hence there is no experience of magic or anything else in the Enlightenment of that which is One – only in the glimpses of it.

To be continued in You must play the game of duality to have it undone.

*) Alexius has never talked with his parents about this. As a teenager, he left home for good. First, he moved into a hippie commune and then into an old wooden house next to a gipsy camp, where he lived until he became a monk a few years later. Read a resumé of his physical life here. He has no education, by the way.

NOTE: This article is part of hack #4.4 The duality flow goes to non-duality.